The tendency to compare oneself with others is anchored deep within human nature. It happens in all areas of life – appearance, financial status, professional success, relationships, and so on. And, most importantly for me at the moment, comparing our styles of parenting and family lives with others.

Since my daughter way born earlier this year, I’ve found myself entangled in the maze of comparing my parenting journey with others, and trying to imitate them to be a “better mother”.  But these kinds of compar(ent)isons generally do not make me feel happier.  That’s why I think the new year is a great time to purposefully recognise that everyone is different and has their own set of strengths and talents – and ways of bringing up their children.

Unrealistic Images on Social Media

One of the main reasons why comparisons to others make us unhappy is because they’re so unrealistic. Since people don’t talk so much about the mundane daily routine, we often end up comparing our weaknesses with others’ strengths; our defeats with others’ successes; our day-to-day lives as parents with others’ family fun highlights. In my experience, this not only leaves us dissatisfied with our lives, but also diminishes our sense of worth. 

I have found that social media has exacerbated the problem for me, as curated, highlight-reel moments can make our own ‘average’ lives seem inadequate. Most people who post regularly, share only their best moments and success on social media platforms. The images are often carefully chosen and edited – and when we compare that to our own “average” lives, of course we’re going to feel frustrated and inadequate. I am really writing this post to remind myself – and anyone reading this – that on social media we see others’ lives through a very selective lens. No one’s life is perfect, regardless of how brilliant it seems from the outside.  That’s why, for 2024, I’m pledging to scroll social media less, unfollow certain accounts, and not take parenting advice from people I don’t even know.

Perils of Compar(ent)ing

Parenting is something that everyone seems to have strong opinions about – whether or not they have children in their family (e.g. see my post about microaggressions regarding breastfeeding)! And, as many new mothers and fathers have discovered, imitating other people’s parenting styles or adhering to every piece of advice can actually be counterproductive and emotionally draining – exacerbating post-natal depression.

Bringing up children is a whirlwind of a journey, which is shaped by the unique dynamics of each family. What works for one may not work for another due to differing circumstances, values, and children’s temperaments. I know first hand that constantly comparing or seeking “tips” (“hacks”?) on parenting can actually foster feelings of inadequacy, undermining parents’ confidence in their own instincts. Moreover, following advice that doesn’t consider your individual context can lead to frustration and confusion.

Ignoring Ourselves

Another reason why comparisons make us unhappy is that they distract our attention away from our own progress and achievements. If we’re so focused on looking at how green the grass is on the other side of the metaphorical fence, then we won’t have time or energy to appreciate the beauty of our own garden. We forget to see how far we have come and what we have accomplished, instead just measuring ourselves against external standards.

Comparisons are furthermore problematic because they trick us into ignoring the uniqueness of each individual and family. Each of us has different skills and traits, interests and paths through life. What’s sauce for the goose, is not necessarily sauce for the gander! If we try to measure ourselves against others, we deny our uniqueness and aspire to follow some standard model of happiness, which might not suit us at all. 

Especially when it comes to parenting, where there are so many opinions and approaches, comparing to other families with entirely different (and often unknown!) defining features, is obviously not a constructive way to develop your motherly or fatherly intuitions! Each of us is individual, and we should (re-)learn to celebrate our differences and our unique combinations of personality, ability, and life decisions. 

This doesn’t mean that we can’t learn from each other, or that we shouldn’t look to others for ideas and inspiration. It’s a good thing to be able to look at someone else and show respect or admiration for their accomplishments. Still, it’s important that this doesn’t morph into a comparison that sees us as inferior. 

The Power of Mindful Self-Comparison

If we really want to compare, then it should be a look at who we are now versus who we used to be. The only meaningful comparison is with our past selves. This self-comparison has an entirely different focus, on growth and development, rather than inferiority and discontentment. It can help us to celebrate our progress and successes, no matter how slow or small, and can thus keep us motivated to continually become better versions of ourselves. It helps us to recognise our individual paths through life.

Instead of fixating on external comparisons, then, it’s crucial to embrace a personalized approach, learning from others while staying attuned to the nuances of one’s own family dynamics. I found it very hard at first, but over the last couple of months I’ve learnt that trusting my intuition and trialling parenting strategies that align with the specific needs of our family leads to a more fulfilling and harmonious parenting experience than harmful compar(ent)ing with others. (Read more about what I learnt at the 6-month mark, here.)

New Year, New Approach

That’s why I’m planning to make a conscious effort in 2024 to use social media more mindfully, unfollowing accounts that breed comparison rather than inspiration, and take advice with caution. I want to focus more on myself and my own context – and particularly, the parenting and life with my daughter that suits us. 

I do like to share elements of my parenting journey and what I have learnt about things I didn’t know, and will aim to do this in a way that is informative and inspiring, not encouraging any potentially damaging compar(ent)ing. This seems to me a healthier, more constructive approach to using social media.

By focusing on my individual path and celebrating my progress, my hope is for a happier, calmer, and more authentic 2024 for my little family and me. 

OVER TO YOU: Join me on the journey to a more mindful and authentic parenting experience in 2024! How are you going to stop compar(ent)ing? Share your insights, challenges, and triumphs in the comments below!