Jumping back into work after nearly a year of maternity leave has been a really exciting challenge for me. Through the highs and lows of this transition, I’ve become ever more convinced that being a working mum isn’t just about earning a living—it’s about reclaiming your identity, resetting societal norms, and living a powerful example for future generations.

Missing My True Identity

Throughout my time on maternity leave, I felt a significant part of myself was lacking. The cognitive challenge and adult communication about intellectually stimulating topics were aspects of my life I deeply missed. My psyche and mental well-being were aching to have more elements to my life and identity than solely my role as a mother. Coming back to work, I felt like I was whole again. Re-engaging in my professional identity has been invigorating and fulfilling, reminding me of the passion I have for my career.

Emotional Rollercoaster

As the time to return to work approached, several people around me seemed to get anxious. They questioned whether I would regret my decision, miss my baby too much to concentrate on work, or feel guilty about leaving her for whole days. They expected a strong emotional reaction from me, suggesting I would struggle to do my work as well as I did pre-maternity.

Interestingly, even the weekend before returning to work, I felt more excitement than anxiety about it. Which of course meant I worried about not being worried. However, beneath the surface of calmness, I did have a moment of panic—a sudden shortness of breath and racing heart. It was as if my body was trying to tell me something my mind wasn’t ready to acknowledge.

Later, I realised that this panic was probably rooted in my worry about whether I would be able to manage the delicate balance of work and family life that I envision for myself. And I was nervous that the “predicted” emotions would hit me at some inappropriate moment and overwhelm me with their intensity after all.

I also struggled with the guilt of wanting to reclaim a part of my identity outside motherhood. I kept trying to convince myself that I wasn’t the worst mum ever for wanting not to lose this other part of my life. This internal conflict resulted in enormous pressure to prove that these different key roles can coexist and share priority in my life.

The Pressure to “Do It All”

I felt the need to prove that I can do it all in some kind of successful balance. I wanted it this way, so it’s on me to manage it. On particularly sleep-deprived nights or when negativity weighs on me, and I lay awake contemplating the next day’s challenges, a wave of worry creeps in, whispering doubts about my ability to juggle it all without something important falling apart.

After two months back at work, I still feel this pressure intensely. Quite honestly, I’m not managing very effectively at all. It feels like I’m struggling to be good enough in all of my roles and areas of my life. So far I’ve shown that I can do it all – but only just, and nowhere near as perfectly as I really want to.

Fighting My Own Expectations

One of my questionable superpowers is doing things people say I won’t be able to do, just to prove them wrong. This mindset means I’m fighting a double whammy: doing things I think people doubt I’ll manage, and meeting expectations I think people have of me. On top of the high expectations I set for myself, that is! In my lucid moments, I realize I’m stuck in my own little fight club, battling an opponent that’s only in my mind. Still, I can’t shake the pressure not to disappoint anyone, including myself.

The Reality of My New Routine

Since I’ve been back at work, my life feels like a constant rush. Forget the serene-sounding work-life balance, it’s more like a daily game of ‘Beat the Clock’! I’m perpetually running late, trying to squeeze as much as possible into each excruciatingly limited 24-hour day.

Balancing work and motherhood has been far more chaotic than I anticipated. I don’t want to let my daughter down, so I try to make the most of our time together, whether it’s weekend days out or evenings at home. This commitment means I leave the office over-punctually and have had to learn to work more effectively in my time there. Don’t tell my boss, but I haven’t actually worked a full 8-hour day yet! So far I’ve been squashing my work into 6-7-hour days to not get home too late to spend the evning with my daughter. Or rather, putting work off to do at another time. But the backlog is starting to pile up on me, adding to the stress…

And then there’s the breastfeeding – the nightly rendezvous with my tiny milk connoisseur who demands the freshest servings at the most inconvenient times! Oh the joy of interrupted nights of sleep! This permanent tiredness has become so normal I don’t think I even really notice it, until I totally crash and break down because my energy reserves are exhausted. Even my husband thought night-time breastfeeding while working full-time would be too much, but he’s surprised to see I’m managing somehow. Not that I feel I have any choice… my decision, my fault, so to speak. And let’s see how long I can keep it up for!

Maintaining My Relationship

Besides all the chaos of work and parenting, I don’t want to take advantage of my husband or neglect our relationship. There are moments when, amid the chaos, I catch a glimpse of my his weary smile, and guilt and gratitude washes over me, reminding me of the delicate balance we’re striving to maintain together.

He was on parental leave for the first two months after my leave, which eased my transition back into work life immensely! He’s been great at handling most of the housework and nursery settling in, but soon he’ll be back to work full time, too. We’ll then have to fit housework and our time together around two jobs, one toddler, a household to run, friends, hobbies, life admin, and all the other things we hope to fit into our busy days! Knowing full well that something’s going to burst in this pipe dream is another thing on my “to worry about” list that I haven’t got to yet!

Conclusion: Redefining Success

So, why am I doing it, if it’s so stressful? Well, besides the undeniable need to earn money (because unfortunately, my bills won’t pay themselves!), returning to work has reaffirmed my belief that mothers can and should pursue their careers if they choose to. I went back to work because I love my work and need to live out this element of who I am. Plus, I believe it makes me a better role model for my daughter, showing her that women are not only here to procreate and bring up children, but can have their own identity as individuals and professionals.

Still, I’ve learnt that I (well, we all) need to redefine what success looks like, and accept that achieving perfection in all areas simultaneously is unrealistic. My journey back to work has been, and still is, about finding a balance that works for me, challenging societal expectations, and understanding that it’s okay to prioritize different aspects of my life at different times. Life’s messy, and that’s okay. We’re all figuring it out as we go along, and it’s alright to stumble a bit along the way. But this balance and the effort to maintain it demonstrate to my bubba that it’s possible to have multiple facets to your identity and that it’s okay, or even important, to pursue personal and professional fulfillment at the same time.