Ever been told to “just be positive” when you were absolutely at your limit? Given funky glasses and told to just SMILE!
Chances are, instead of feeling better, you felt a bit dismissed… maybe even guilty for not being more cheerful. That’s the moment when positivity stops being helpful and starts becoming something else entirely. That’s what we call toxic positivity.

Toxic positivity is what happens when we push away or ignore difficult feelings instead of acknowledging them (Sokal, Trudel, and Babb, 2020). And while a bit of optimism can absolutely support our wellbeing, pretending everything’s fine when it clearly isn’t is not helpful. It’s pressure.

For parents, this gets even trickier.
There’s this unspoken rule that we’re meant to enjoy every moment of parenthood. So when things go wrong (as they do), we end up feeling not only overwhelmed but like we’re somehow failing. All because we’re not enjoying every second of it.

And that’s where I come in with my blog, apparently.
People have often thanked me for “telling it how it is” and for being brave (their word, not mine) enough to say what so many mums are thinking. Things like feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, mourning my pre-baby life, or just wanting a bloody break from it all! But I’m not trying to be brave. I’m just telling my truth.

For me, being a newborn mum was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I was not a happy bunny. Yes, things are better now, but it’s still not always easy! And there are plenty of moments I do not cherish or adore or want to hold on to forever. I’m not trying to put people off having children or take away anyone’s joy. I’m just saying it’s OK not to be glowing with joy and gratitude every minute of every day. If you feel like you should be, chances are you’ve been hit by toxic positivity, whether from well-meaning people around you or from a community that doesn’t really know how to deal with difficult emotions.

I still remember popping into work when Little Bean was a couple of months old. I missed being intellectually engaged, chatting with adults, doing something I was good at! But instead of curiosity or real conversation, I was met with a chorus of, “You’re so lucky to have this time off, enjoy it!” and “It must be so much more enjoyable than being here!” followed by, “The most important thing is she’s healthy,” and of course, “You’ll miss this time, it goes so fast.”

None of those comments made me feel better.
To be fair, I wasn’t shouting from the rooftops about how hard things were. I wasn’t especially close to all of my colleagues. But no one really asked how I was doing. Or at least, not in a way that felt like they genuinely wanted to know. They just assumed I was wrapped in some glowing, warming swirl of baby pride and magical mum-emotions. They weren’t the only ones. And maybe that’s part of why it took me so long to get help for postnatal depression.

What Does Toxic Positivity Look Like for Parents?

Picture this:

You say: “I’m absolutely shattered. The baby was up all night and I feel like I can’t cope today.”
The reply? “But at least you’ve got a healthy baby, you can be grateful for that.”

You say: “I lost it earlier. I snapped at my toddler and now I feel awful.”
The reply? “You’ll forget this in no time as soon as you see that sweet smile again.”

You say: “My child had a meltdown in the middle of Tesco and I just wanted to vanish.”
The reply? “At least you’ve got a child to meltdown over. Some people can’t even have kids.”

Sound familiar?

These comments might be meant to comfort, but actually they do the opposite. They make it harder to talk about how we’re really doing. We end up thinking we should feel grateful all the time, should be loving every minute, and that struggling somehow means we’re bad at this whole parenting thing. Here’s what I’ve had to learn: it doesn’t.

When Does Positivity Cross the Line?

It’s not just about chirpy quotes or “stay strong” messages. Toxic positivity becomes a problem when it shuts down real emotions or stops us from addressing what’s actually going on.

Here’s when it starts to backfire:

🌧 When We Could Actually Change Something

Finding the silver lining can help sometimes, like in a situation you truly can’t control. But if your baby’s been waking at 4am for weeks and you keep saying, “Ah well, at least I’m catching the sunrise,” instead of looking at how to adjust their sleep schedule, you’re not fixing the issue. You’re just running on empty.

🧠 When It Undermines Our Identity

Telling someone to “just think positive” when they’re facing discrimination, deep stress, or mental health challenges doesn’t help. It isolates them (Perez and Soto, 2011). And for mums, it’s especially hard when society expects us to cherish every second, even if we’re exhausted, anxious, or not quite sure who we are anymore.

😩 When It’s Pushed on Us

Not everyone can just bounce back with a smile. Some of us need time to process, cry, talk it out, or just sit in silence with a biscuit. Being told to “cheer up” or “count your blessings” doesn’t make the hard feelings go away. It just adds guilt on top.

😬 When It’s Too Much of a Good Thing

Even happiness can be overdone. Constant pressure to be happy all the time can actually make people feel worse (Gruber et al., 2008). And honestly, nobody is doing a happy dance while mopping up their fifth nappy explosion of the day.

🌀 When It Becomes an Obsession

Chasing constant happiness is exhausting. If we convince ourselves we’re only doing well if we’re loving every minute, we’ll always feel like we’re falling short (Ford and Mauss, 2014). And that’s no way to live, especially not in the early years of parenting.

So, What’s the Alternative?

Real positivity (not the sugar-coated kind) makes space for all our feelings. That includes happiness and gratefulness, but also frustration, sadness, anger and good old-fashioned can’t-be-arsed-ness.

Instead of saying:
🔹 “You should be grateful,”
Try: “That sounds really tough.”

Instead of:
🔹 “Enjoy every moment,”
Try: “You’re not alone in feeling like that.”

Instead of:
🔹 “Look on the bright side,”
Try: “Want to talk about it?”

Parenting can be chaotic and completely exhausting. Theree probably will be some days when you’ll beam with pride. But, if you’re anything like me, on other days you’ll hide in the loo just for a minute of peace.

So let’s stop pretending we have to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. Let’s ditch the toxic positivity and make room for honesty, support, and the full, messy range of what it means to be human, especially as parents.

Have you ever been on the receiving end of toxic positivity? Or felt like you couldn’t be honest about how you were coping?
I’d love to hear your thoughts or stories in the comments. Your voice might be exactly what another parent needs to hear today!

References

• Ford, B., & Mauss, I. (2014). The paradoxical effects of pursuing positive emotion. In J. Gruber & J. T. Moskowitz (Eds.),  Positive emotion: Integrating the light sides and dark sides (pp. 363–382). Oxford University Press.
• Ford, B. Q., & Troy, A. S. (2019). Reappraisal reconsidered: A closer look at the costs of an acclaimed emotion-regulation strategy. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 28(2), 195-203.
• Gruber, J., Johnson, S. L., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2008). Risk for mania and positive emotional responding: Too much of a good thing? Emotion, 8(1), 23–33.
• Perez, C. R., & Soto, J. A. (2011). Cognitive reappraisal in the context of oppression: Implications for psychological functioning. Emotion, 11, 675–680.
• Sokal, L., Trudel, L. E., & Babb, J. (2020). It’s okay to be okay too. Why calling out teachers’“toxic positivity” may backfire. EdCan 60(3) (Fall 2020)
• Troy, A. S., Shallcross, A. J., & Mauss, I. B. (2013). A person-by-situation approach to emotion regulation: Cognitive reappraisal can either help or hurt, depending on the context. Psychological science, 24(12), 2505-2514.